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Interview with Yuri Muraoka: Sometimes I Feel Despair for the World and Myself and I Want to Erase My Existence

On the occasion of her film "Transparent, I am" winning the Grand Prize at the International Short Film Festival Oberhausen, we speak with her about her psychological issues, sharing her personal experiences on film, her procedure of filming, experimental cinema in Japan and other topics

was born in Tokyo in 1981. She dropped out of the high school attached to Japan Women's University,
and graduated the 26th class of Image Forum Institute of the Moving Image. She continues to create moving images and photographic works of “self-portraiture”. All of her works are self-created and self-performed. She is the mother of two children.

On the occasion of her film “Transparent, I am” winning the Grand Prize at the International Short Film Festival Oberhausen, we speak with her about her psychological issues, sharing her personal experiences on film, her procedure of filming, experimental cinema in Japan and other topics

A few days ago you won the Grand Prize at . Are you proud of this success?

Of course, yes I am. But I don't think this is a matter of superiority. There are many great filmmakers in the world and many great works. The award this time does not mean that my work is exceptionally superior to theirs. I think it is due to good luck and good timing.

The film is rather personal. How difficult was it for you to share all these experiences with the audience?

Many of my works are personal. Sometimes I feel a bit of guilty about not dealing with social themes. However, I think it is quite possible that this story of an “individual” will touch the chords of people with different cultural backgrounds. We are all the same human beings, and “the world” is a collection of “individuals.”

Do you still have suicidal thoughts? How are you managing your schizophrenia? Has your husband and kids helped in that regard?

Unfortunately, yes I do. Sometimes I feel despair for the world and myself and I want to erase my existence. Currently, I take medicine three times a day and receive counseling once a week to control my symptoms. I hate myself, but my family loves and supports me. For me, their existence is a great salvation.

Have they seen the movie? If yes, what was their reaction?

My family sees all my films. At one point, my elder daughter said, “Mom's work is cruel but beautiful.” This word is all about the truth.

How much of what you are narrating in the film is truth and how much fantasy? Was the nurse in the hospital wearing a light blue shadow on her eyes? Did your daughter actually say those words to you?

Everything in this film is true. There was a nurse wearing a light blue eyeshadow, and my daughters actually said those words to me. When I make artworks, I value being true to the truth.

Do you feel guilt for some of your actions?

Yes, I feel. I'm a mass of guilt.

Why did you decide to implement such an experimental approach? Can you give us some more details about the way you shot and edited the film?

I started writing poetry about two and a half years ago, and it was in 2020 that I wrote the poem “Transparent, I am.” which was the base for this film. (You can read this via this link: https://beachwind-lib.net/?p=25745 ) This poem is about my present and past, and this film is a visualization of it, basically.

I applied the shots taken with a smartphone to the part that wrote about “the present”, and applied the footage of my past films to the part that wrote about “the past”. I had never made a narrated film before, so reading my own poems for this film was a big challenge.

Some of the drawings are rather intense, for example the painting of a woman wearing a covid mask where the lips are dripping blood above the mask. Can you give us some more details about them?

The painting of the girl whose lips drip on her mask is a self-portrait drawn by my elder daughter in 2020. She was 15 at the time. I can't tell you the details, but I thought that this painting depicted her suffering and heartache well. “The pain” is one of the important keywords of this film, so I used her painting for it with her permission. Over the last few years, our family has suffered a lot. And we are still in the midst of suffering. Also, the oil painting drawing animation was by myself and was shot on 8mm film before I started treating schizophrenia.

The fast piano tempo induces the film with a sense of angst and tension. Was that your purpose in that part of the movie?

Music is a very important element of my films. Chopin's “Revolutionary” is a metaphor for the modest revolution that happened inside of me. It represents anger and rebelion against the past trauma and oppression, and a crazy craving for liberation. When I was about to take a step into a new era, there remained “a hope” to break down various pasts and shackles and move forward. This film is a family story that begins with the sound of the rain of sadness in the past and ends with an applause to celebrate the future.

What is your opinion of the Japanese film industry at the moment? Is there space for experimental filmmaking?

I feel that the understanding of experimental filmmaking has not yet progressed in Japan. Whenever I say “I make experimental films.”, people say “What are experimental films?” “You have a good hobby.” “Does it make money?”. In Japan, I feel that whether or not it makes money seems to be the standard for estimating cultural value. I want society to be more diverse and open to various cultures, and I think we, the filmmakers, must make an effort to do so.

Are you working on any new projects?

In case an artwork is appreciated in the way “Transparent, I am”, I think there are two important things. One is remaining humble and keeping your feet on the ground. And two is “What will you make next?”. Currently, I am busy preparing for my solo exhibition in Tokyo in June and the release of my first poetry book in July, but when they settle down, I would like to make an artwork on film again. I'm sure it will be personal and beautiful again. Please look forward to it.

About the author

Panos Kotzathanasis

My name is Panos Kotzathanasis and I am Greek. Being a fan of Asian cinema and especially of Chinese kung fu and Japanese samurai movies since I was a little kid, I cultivated that love during my adolescence, to extend to the whole of SE Asia.

Starting from my own blog in Greek, I then moved on to write for some of the major publications in Greece, and in a number of websites dealing with (Asian) cinema, such as Taste of Cinema, Hancinema, EasternKicks, Chinese Policy Institute, and of course, Asian Movie Pulse. in which I still continue to contribute.

In the beginning of 2017, I launched my own website, Asian Film Vault, which I merged in 2018 with Asian Movie Pulse, creating the most complete website about the Asian movie industry, as it deals with almost every country from East and South Asia, and definitely all genres.

You can follow me on Facebook and Twitter.

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