Christina Mok, born in USA, is a Taiwanese-American model and actress. She graduated from the Fashion Marketing Department of California College of Arts. After returning to Taiwan, she worked for a marketing company and came into contact with part time jobs for graphic model. In 2012, she became well known for her marathon advertisements for Taipei Fubon Commercial Bank. She officially branched into acting in 2013 with romance drama “Love Around”. She has since appeared in a number of popular dramas, including the Taiwanese dramas “Future Mr. Right” (2016) and “Single Ladies Senior” (2018), and the Chinese drama “Memories of Love” (2018). Her roles in cinema include titles such as “Gatao” and “The Greater Good”.
On the occasion of her latest film, “Leave Me Alone” screening at Osaka Asian Film Festival, we speak with her about the role she played in the movie, the impact it had in her personal life even after the ending of the shooting, being broken open, love, the sex scenes, and many other topics
“Leave Me Alone” screened at Osaka Asian Film Festival
What drew you in the role of Nai-wen?
Actually, I met with director Fan two years before we started filming; he showed me the story and I was very drawn to the whole concept because I think there is something very beautiful about something that is so broken. It is not just Nai Wen as a character, but the whole story is about being broken, every character is broken in some way. I feel that Taiwan is a little bit more conservative when it comes to talking about such dark concepts, but the particular one is so beautiful at the same time. When he first showed me the storyline and also revealed some of the background of my character, I was really drawn to it. I really wished I had the opportunity to be the voice for her. There is not much dialogue in the movie, not a lot of words are spoken but there are a lot of emotions and voices within, so I wanted to be the voice for her in a way.
So, do you like to play characters that are broken?
It is kind of sick and twisted in a way; in a way no, but in a way yes. You get a very satisfying feeling from being broken. At first, I didn't really want to admit that it almost felt good being so dark, being so broken, because being broken is something that we are taught not to be. We are taught by our society, our parents to not be so broken, to not be so “deep in the hole”. However, as an actress, I feel like I am very very privileged to have the opportunity to just let go and let myself be broken, let myself be deep in the hole, let myself roll in the mud, experience all the emotions I do not have the opportunity to experience in real life. To answer your question, I did enjoy being dark and twisty for a few months. It was a difficult time for me, I remember going home every day and not feeling myself. None of my friends knew how to talk to me during that time, because I was this dark and twisty person they did not know. However, it was very satisfying and a privilege to live through all these emotions that I wouldn't have the opportunity as myself, as Christina.
So, the role you played had an impact in your personal life, on how you perceive love for example?
It did. Our director always told me, from the very beginning, from the very first time we met, that this is a love story. And I thought, “bullshit, this is not a love story” but then, the more I got into it, the more I understood the meaning behind it. At least for me, I do believe it is a love story but not a typical one. Speaking for Nai Wen, from her perspective, love did give her a purpose and also a kind of medicine she needed to keep going, but is not the love we see in the typical love stories. However, there are a lot of different types of love in the movie, between the various characters, different levels of love even. And this concept has definitely impacted my personal life, because now, I do see love in a different way. Loving someone does not necessarily mean getting what you want in return, it does not necessarily mean romance, ‘happily ever after', love can come as quickly as it can go away, but just because something did not last does not mean it was not real. So, yes it did have an impact in my life, actually I have a little tiny tattoo on me of a butterfly, because Nai Wen went through this kind of metamorphosis stage.
So, do you think that love can be exploitative, and that is the kind of love the protagonists in the movie experience?
Yes, I feel that love sometimes can be used as a form of exchange, it can be exploited and I feel that in the weeks or months the story was focused on, Nai Wen needed that love to survive, she needed that love from Loong as her key to keep going. Loong needed the same from her, to build his confidence, to build his worth, his value, his purpose in life. I feel like it is quite an equal exchange of currency, love was used almost as a currency in a way.
Do you like Nai Wen as a person, would you be friends with her?
No, I don't want to be friends with her (laughter). She can come of as a kind of a nice person, but I feel it would take a lot of time and patience to break down her walls, since, deep down, I feel that she is the opposite of everything that she portrays, the opposite of that power girl she exhibits, She is vulnerable, she is hurt, she is broken, she is in a dark hole. All the masks that she wears are just armors to protect herself, because she feels that this outer suit is the last thing that she has in this world, that she can control, because she cannot control anything else.
The director told me that he took the crew to various hostess clubs in order to acquaint the cast with that world. How was the experience?
Ah yes, especially Fandy Fan. It was a cultural shock for us, because even though the JD hostess bars in Taiwan are so common, it is not common for everyday people to visit. Therefore, it is interesting to see what really goes on inside, especially from the employees' side. They do live a very different lifestyle than we do and I also feel that this is also their story because every single one of them has their own story, there is a reason why they are in this business. I did not spend that much time in those hostess bars as much as my co-star, I spent a lot of time in galleries, because the director wanted to build that sense of loneliness and coldness in me, because my job is a gallery manager and I deal with art. And art is another form of currency and currency is used everyday as a form of exchange. And I feel like, as I mentioned earlier, it is exactly the same, a form of exchange. I give you what you need, you give me what I need. I feel this is like survival 101 in the city.
How would you describe your cooperation with director Fan?
I have to say, it was not smooth all the way, we went through our ups and our downs. We definitely went on a journey together. I remember the first day he told me, “Let's put our trust in each other, I need you to trust me” and I also felt I needed to trust him and him, me. And that is what we did, because I knew from the very beginning Nai Wen would not be a character I could just act. I am not an actress that can just act, I need to feel everything that my character feels, I need to go through all the emotions the character goes through or I will not be able to act it out, perform it. So, I actually became Nai Wen for the 2-3 months that we were filming. The director went on that roller coaster ride with me, it was a very emotional ride. There is a word that I really love, I was reading this book from Oprah and there is a chapter where she talks about being broken open and I feel this is exactly what happened in Nai Wen, she was broken open. It is such a beautiful term because you need to be broken enough to be cracked open and that is exactly what happened to her, she was broken open in order to find herself, to be able to heal and to continue this life journey. Because, when you reach bottom, the only way is up and she needed to reach the bottom in order to be broken open. And I feel that our director broke me open (laughter). It definitely was a roller coaster journey.
Would you say that, in the end, you were satisfied with your performance?
I think I am. The whole thing was done three years ago, and I feel there are things I could change. Everyday, we experience life a little bit differently, we learn things, we go through things. I feel that Christina now is different from Christina three years ago. If I were to portray the same emotions now, I might choose a different route to do so. For Christina three years ago, I have no regrets, I think I gave it my all.
How about the sex scenes? Were they difficult for you?
At first, I thought they would be difficult for me; when I saw the script the first time and there were many scenes of nudity and sex I was afraid. I communicated my fear to our director and producer very early on that I do have this fear of having so many sex scenes. We worked very closely together, especially with my co-star in building that trust and that sense of security. We formed a very tight bond, not just with him, but also the director, the cameraman, the whole crew so by the time we got to all the sex scenes, I was completely comfortable with everybody. As such, it was not difficult during the shooting. We had good communication so it all worked out in the end.
My favorite scene of you in the film is the one when Nai Wen looks at the painting and starts crying. Can you give me some details about this scene?
That was the most difficult scene that we had to film. I remember it took almost six hours to shoot it and I also went through a panic attack while filming it. We tried a lot of different emotions for that scene, but what the director wanted to show was that, that was 6 months after Nai Wen moved out of the house so that was kind of a reset, a brand new start for her. But, coming back to see that painting, everything hit her back. Why is the painting here, what happened to Loong, did he sell the painting, was it all for money, was any of it real? What about her old boyfriend who died? All these emotions kind of came back in and the reality set in again and old traumas were reopened. So all the healing Nai Wen did in those six months basically amounted to zero. It is a cruel story, everything went back to the original spot, it is a bad cycle, a nightmare she can never wake up from, so she is back to square one again.
It was very very difficult because I had to see it, I had to set it in my head, I had to have all these dialogues and all these emotions running in my head and then I slowly cried and then I broke down. It was very very emotional, I remember I felt suffocated, especially since we were in a gallery with close to a hundred extras on set, all waiting for me to finish that scene. So, it was a lot of pressure. There was no dialogue, no one to do the scene with me, so it was kind of me against myself, in my head. It was suffocating for me, Nai Wen's emotions were very suffocating and I was having trouble bringing this suffocation out, I was having trouble pulling those emotions out. However, the director and the cameraman were all very very patient with me, they sat through it with me, I had a few cigarettes on the side because I was so stressed, but I am really glad you liked that scene because the way it turned out, I am quite happy with it. It is not supposed to be like a full cry release, it is supposed to be very suffocating, like she is dying inside and she is crying out for help.
I felt that at that moment, she realized that she loved him, like she was not sure before but at that moment she knew. Is that the case?
That is very interesting! Not a lot of people thought that. I do not want to deny that Nai Wen loved Loong, I think there was definitely love and she knew that by the time she moved out and that is the reason she left the painting for him. There had to be some form of love, but I am not sure how deep that love is. Her love is definitely not comparable to what she feel for her boyfriend, who died in the hospital. Is it love even? I feel that Nai Wen is also questioning that because, ‘what is love?' If she really did love him, why didn't she stay with him? Did she really care about how much money he has, did she really care about her environment? I feel that love is so complicated but I cannot narrow it down to just, ‘she loves him' because there has to be some source of love exchange in their relationship and their interaction, but what is love? Is that love enough for her? And I feel that she knew before she even left, that it was not enough for her, but it did help her pull herself together, it did help her find the strength to keep going in life, it was like a painkiller that she needed during those short few weeks of her life. He was the painkiller for her.
In a more general question, how do you pick the roles you play?
I am actually very very picky about my roles. As I said earlier, I have to feel like I am not an actor, I can't really act out something if I don't feel it. My agent and I spend a lot of time going through the scripts and going through stories before making any decision on taking on a role. She gives me a lot of room and lot of respect in terms of how I want to understand those characters, how I feel with these characters.I have to feel for them basically, I have to feel I have a connection with them, I need to know what my voice is before I decide to take on a role. That is the promise I have made to myself, that is the promise my agent also made to me, that I will always have this freedom and the room to feel my character out before I take them on
Do you prefer to act on TV or cinema?
I think it is very different. Movies are like a fast and hard punch, you have to get into the character, get into the story really quickly but it goes really deep and quick. On TV, we have 4-5 months and kind of diving in slowly but steadily. A story like the one in “Leave me Alone” I think works better in a movie because it is so hard. I don't know how I would be if I had to be Nai Wen for five months. I think I would probably end up with depression.
Do you find it difficult getting out of one role and into another?
Yes, for sure. Nai Wen was actually the most difficult role to get out of. It took me some time to get in, I thought it was going to be difficult getting in, but it was actually more difficult for me to get out. I remember the day that we finished filming, when the director called “It's a wrap!”, the first thing I did was go to the corner of the patio that we were at and I just started crying non-stop for like half an hour. I did not know how to deal with the emotions, how to cut off that connection. Usually, after filming for like a few months, you are happy because you are done, it is time to celebrate, we usually follow up with a big dinner but I remember that morning, we filmed at about six in the morning, and then I went home, I took a shower and got into bed and I felt so empty and I could not stop crying. I called my agent and I told her that I do not know who I am and I do not know what I should do without this movie, without Nai Wen. I don't know how to get myself back. The first two weeks were the toughest. I had to literally plan out activities for myself every single day to kind of pull me back into being Christina, to my actual life, force myself to hang out with my friends even though it was extremely uncomfortable. I remember I took surfing lessons two days after we finished filming just so I could force myself to focus on something else but it was extremely difficult.
Sounds like a divorce or something.
Exactly (laughter) like a break up. I did not know how not to see my co-star anymore because I was so connected with him, I saw him for 17-18 hours every single day for three months. I did not know how to cut my emotional connection to Nai Wen, I did not know how to cut off my emotional connection to my co-star. I still wrote in my diary for Nai Wen, the week after we finished filming.
How is the situation in the Taiwanese movie industry at the moment, for actresses in particular?
Opportunities are getting better and better. Taiwan definitely, compared to the rest of the world, is still somewhat more reserved and conservative in terms of the genres of our films but in recent years, there has definitely been more and more diversity, different topics that we want to talk about. Before, we were more focused on romance for example, especially school romance (highschool, university romance), very cute movies. I feel like in recent years there are more and more movies about the real topics, the hard topics. Regarding actresses, I feel like we are allowed to look different now, we don't all fall under the same categories anymore. Like “Leave me Alone”, we definitely wouldn't see such a movie ten years ago. That the audience is learning to accept different things, is what makes the whole thing move into a good direction.
Are there any future projects you are working on?
I am going abroad next month to film a different project that I am very excited for because I have been stuck in Taiwan due to the pandemic. I am going to Singapore to do a project that I am very excited for, which should come out in 2023.
